第30部分（第1页）

slapped　my　arms　to　keep　the　circulation　going。　I　had　woven　underwear　and　I　did　not　think　I　would　catch　cold　if　I　kept　moving。　They　had　taken　my　pistol　at　the　road　and　I　put　the　holster　under　my　coat。　I　had　no　cape　and　it　was　cold　in　the　rain。　I　started　up　the　bank　of　the　canal。　It　was　daylight　and　the　country　was　wet；　low　and　dismal　looking。　The　fields　were　bare　and　wet；　a　long　way　away　I　could　see　a　campanile　rising　out　of　the　plain。　I　came　up　onto　a　road。　Ahead　I　saw　some　troops　ing　down　the　road。　I　limped　along　the　side　of　the　road　and　they　passed　me　and　paid　no　attention　to　me。　They　were　a　machine…gun　detachment　going　up　toward　the　river。　I　went　on　down　the　road。

That　day　I　crossed　the　Venetian　plain。　It　is　a　low　level　country　and　under　the　rain　it　is　even　flatter。　Toward　the　sea　there　are　salt　marshes　and　very　few　roads。　The　roads　all　go　along　the　river　mouths　to　the　sea　and　to　cross　the　country　you　must　go　along　the　paths　beside　the　canals。　I　was　working　across　the　country　from　the　north　to　the　south　and　had　crossed　two　railway　lines　and　many　roads　and　finally　I　came　out　at　the　end　of　a　path　onto　a　railway　line　where　it　ran　beside　a　marsh。　It　was　the　main　line　from　Venice　to　Trieste；　with　a　high　solid　embankment；　a　solid　roadbed　and　double　track。　Down　the　tracks　a　way　was　a　flag…station　and　I　could　see　soldiers　on　guard。　Up　the　line　there　was　a　bridge　over　a　stream　that　flowed　into　the　marsh。　I　could　see　a　guard　too　at　the　bridge。　Crossing　the　fields　to　the　north　I　had　seen　a　train　pass　on　this　railroad；　visible　a　long　way　across　the　flat　plain；　and　I　thought　a　train　might　e　from　Portogruaro。　I　watched　the　guards　and　lay　down　on　the　embankment　so　that　I　could　see　both　ways　along　the　track。　The　guard　at　the　bridge　walked　a　way　up　the　line　toward　where　flay；　then　turned　and　went　back　toward　the　bridge。　I　lay；　and　was　hungry；　and　waited　for　the　train。　The　one　I　had　seen　was　so　long　that　the　engine　moved　it　very　slowly　and　I　was　sure　I　could　get　aboard　it。　After　I　had　almost　given　up　hoping　for　one　I　saw　a　train　ing。　The　engine；　ing　straight　on；　grew　larger　slowly。　I　looked　at　the　guard　at　the　bridge。　He　was　walking　on　the　near　side　of　the　bridge　but　on　the　other　side　of　the　tracks。　That　would　put　him　out　of　sight　when　the　train　passed。　I　watched　the　engine　e　nearer。　It　was　working　hard。　I　could　see　there　were　many　cars。　I　knew　there　would　be　guards　on　the　train；　and　I　tried　to　see　where　they　were；　but；　keeping　out　of　sight；　I　could　not。　The　engine　was　almost　to　where　I　was　lying。　When　it　came　opposite；　working　and　puffing　even　on　the　level；　and　I　saw　the　engineer　pass；　I　stood　up　and　stepped　up　close　to　the　passing　cars。　If　the　guards　were　watching　I　was　a　less　suspicious　object　standing　beside　the　track。　Several　closed　freight…cars　passed。　Then　I　saw　a　low　open　car　of　the　sort　they　call　gondolas　ing；　covered　with　canvas。　I　stood　until　it　had　almost　passed；　then　jumped　and　caught　the　rear　hand…rods　and　pulled　up。　I　crawled　down　between　the　gondola　and　the　shelter　of　the　high　freight…car　behind。　I　did　not　think　any　one　had　seen　me。　I　was　holding　to　the　hand…rods　and　crouching　low；　my　feet　on　the　coupling。　We　were　almost　opposite　the　bridge。　I　remembered　the　guard。　As　we　passed　him　he　looked　at　me。　He　was　a　boy　and　his　helmet　was　too　big　for　him。　I　stared　at　him　contemptuously　and　he　looked　away。　He　thought　I　had　something　to　do　with　the　train。

We　were　past。　I　saw　him　still　looking　unfortable；　watching　the　other　cars　pass　and　I　stooped　to　see　how　the　canvas　was　fastened。　It　had　grummets　and　was　laced　down　at　the　edge　with　cord。　I　took　out　my　knife；　cut　the　cord　and　put　my　arm　under。　There　were　hard　bulges　under　the　canvas　that　tightened　in　the　rain。　I　looked　up　and　ahead。　There　was　a　guard　on　the　freight…car　ahead　but　he　was　looking　forward。　I　let　go　of　the　hand…rails　and　ducked　under　the　canvas。　My　forehead　hit　something　that　gave　me　a　violent　bump　and　I　felt　blood　on　my　face　but　I　crawled　on　in　and　lay　flat。　Then　I　turned　around　and　fastened　down　the　canvas。

I　was　in　under　the　canvas　with　guns。　They　smelled　cleanly　of　oil　and　grease。　I　lay　and　listened　to　the　rain　on　the　canvas　and　the　clicking　of　the　car　over　the　rails。　There　was　a　little　light　came　through　and　I　lay　and　looked　at　the　guns。　They　had　their　canvas　jackets　on。　I　thought　they　must　have　been　sent　ahead　from　the　third　army。　The　bump　on　my　forehead　was　swollen　and　I　stopped　the　bleeding　by　lying　still　and　letting　it　coagulate；　then　picked　away　the　dried　blood　except　over　the　cut。　It　was　nothing。　I　had　no　handkerchief；　but　feeling　with　my　fingers　I　washed　away　where　the　dried　blood　had　been；　with　rainwater　that　dripped　from　the　canvas；　and　wiped　it　clean　with　the　sleeve　of　my　coat。　I　did　not　want　to　look　conspicuous。　I　knew　I　would　have　to　get　out　before　they　got　to　Mestre　because　they　would　be　taking　care　of　these　guns。　They　had　no　guns　to　lose　or　forget　about。　I　was　terrifically　hungry。

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Lying　on　the　floor　of　the　flat…car　with　the　guns　beside　me　under　the　canvas　I　was　wet；　cold　and　very　hungry。　Finally　I　rolled　over　and　lay　flat　on　my　stomach　with　my　head　on　my　arms。　My　knee　was　stiff；　but　it　had　been　very　satisfactory。　Valentini　had　done　a　fine　job。　I　had　done　half　the　retreat　on　foot　and　swum　part　of　the　Tagliamento　with　his　knee。　It　was　his　knee　all　right。　The　other　knee　was　mine。　Doctors　did　things　to　you　and　then　it　was　not　your　body　any　more。　The　head　was　mine；　and　the　inside　of　the　belly。　It　was　very　hungry　in　there。　I　could　feel　it　turn　over　on　itself。　The　head　was　mine；　but　not　to　use；　not　to　think　with；　only　to　remember　and　not　too　much　remember。

I　could　remember　Catherine　but　I　knew　I　would　get　crazy　if　I　thought　about　her　when　I　was　not　sure　yet　I　would　see　her；　so　I　would　not　think　about　her；　only　about　her　a　little；　only　about　her　with　the　car　going　slowly　and　clickingly；　and　some　light　through　the　canvas　and　my　lying　with　Catherine　on　the　floor　of　the　car。　Hard　as　the　floor　of　the　car　to　lie　not　thinking　only　feeling；　having　been　away　too　long；　the　clothes　wet　and　the　floor　moving　only　a　little　each　time　and　lonesome　inside　and　alone　with　wet　clothing　and　hard　floor　for　a　wife。

You　did　not　love　the　floor　of　a　flat…car　nor　guns　with　canvas　jackets　and　the　smell　of　vaselined　metal　or　a　canvas　that　rain　leaked　through；　although　it　is　very　fine　under　a　canvas　and　pleasant　with　guns；　but　you　loved　some　one　else　whom　now　you　knew　was　not　even　to　be　pretended　there；　you　seeing　now　very　clearly　and　coldly……not　so　coldly　as　clearly　and　emptily。　You　saw　emptily；　lying　on　your　stomach；　having　been　present　when　one　army　moved　back　and　another　came　forward。　You　had　lost　your　cars　and　your　men　as　a　floorwalker　loses　the　stock　of　his　department　in　a　fire。　There　was；　however；　no　insurance。　You　were　out　of　it　now。　You　had　no　more　obligation。　If　they　shot　floorwalkers　after　a　fire　in　the　department　store　because　they　spoke　with　an　accent　they　had　always　had；　then　certainly　the　floorwalkers　would　not　be　expected　to　return　when　the　store　opened　again　for　business。　They　might　seek　other　employment；　if　there　was　any　other　employment　and　the　police　did　not　get　them。

Anger　was　washed　away　in　the　river　along　with　any　obligation。　Although　that　ceased　when　the　carabiniere　put　his　hands　on　my　collar。　I　would　like　to　have　had　the　uniform　off　although　I　did　not　care　much　about　the　outward　forms。　I　had　taken　off　the　stars；　but　that　was　for　convenience。　It　was　no　point　of　honor。　I　was　not　against　them。　I　was　through。　I　wished　them　all　the　luck。　There　were　the　good　ones；　and　the　brave　ones；　and　the　calm　ones　and　the　sensible　ones；　and　they　deserved　it。　But　it　was　not　my　show　any　more　and　I　wished　this　bloody　train　would　get　to　Mestre　and　I　would　eat　and　stop　thinking。　I　would　have　to　stop。

Piani　would　tell　them　they　had　shot　me。　They　went　through　the　pockets　and　took　the　papers　of　the　people　they　shot。　They　would　not　have　my　papers。　They　might　call　me　drowned。　I　wondered　what　they　would　hear　in　the　States。　Dead　from　wounds　and　other　causes。　Good　Christ　I　was　hungry。　I　wondered　what　had　bee　of　the　priest　at　the　mess。　And　Rinaldi。　He　was　probably　at　Pordenone。　If　they　had　not　gone　further　back。　Well；　I　would　never　see　him　now。　I　would　never　see　any　of　them　now。　That　life　was　over。　I　did　not　think　he　had　syphilis。　It　was　not　a　serious　disease　anyway　if　you　took　it　in　time；　they　said。　But　he　would　worry。　I　would　worry　too　if　I　had　it。　Any　one　would　worry。

I　was　not　made　to　think。　I　was　made　to　eat。　My　God；　yes。　Eat　and　drink　and　sleep　with　Catherine。　To…night　maybe。　No　that　was　impossible。　But　to…morrow　night；　and　a　good　meal　and　sheets　and　never　going　away　again　except　together。　Probably　have　to　go　damned　quickly。　She　would　go。　I　knew　she　would　go。　When　would　we　go？　That　was　something　to　think　about。　It　was　getting　dark。　I　lay　and　thought　where　we　would　go。　There　were　many　places。

BOOK　FOUR

33

I　dropped　off　the　train　in　Milan　as　it　slowed　to　e　into　the　station　early　in　the　morning　before　it　was　light。　I　crossed　the　track　and　came　out　between　some　buildings　and　down　onto　the　street。　A　wine　shop　was　open　and　I　went　in　for　some　coffee。　It　smelled　of　early　morning；　of　swept　dust；　spoons　in　coffee…glasses　and　the　wet　circles　left　by　wine…glasses。　The　proprietor　was　behind　the　bar。　Two　soldiers　sat　at　a　table。　I　stood　at　the　bar　and　drank　a　glass　of　coffee　and　ate　a　piece　of　bread。　The　coffee　was　gray　with　milk；　and　I　skimmed　the　milk　scum　off　the　top　with　a　piece　of　bread。　The　proprietor　looked　at　me。

〃You　want　a　glass　of　grappa？〃

〃No　thanks。〃

〃On　me；〃　he　said　and　poured　a　small　glass　and　pushed　it　toward　me。　〃Whats　happening　at　the　front？〃

〃I　would　not　know。〃

〃They　are　drunk；〃　he　said；　moving　his　hand　toward　the　two　soldiers。　I　could　believe　him。　They　looked　drunk。

〃Tell　me；〃　he　said；　〃what　is　happening　at　the　front？〃

〃I　would　not　know　about　the　front。〃

〃I　saw　you　e　down　the　wall。　You　came　off　the　train。〃

〃There　is　a　big　retreat。〃

〃I　read　the　papers。　What　happens？　Is　it　over？〃

〃I　dont　think　so。〃

He　filled　the　glass　with　grappa　from　a　short　bottle。　〃If　you　are　in　trouble；〃　he　said；　〃I　can　keep　you。〃

〃I　am　not　in　trouble。〃